How to Demolish a Nokia 6340i Cell Phone

What We Do in Oklahoma to Badly Behaved Electronics
Part 3 of 4 in the series…

Once upon a time there was Rogelio talking on the phone. It stopped working. This bothered Rogelio. So he did what any normal person would do, and decided to destroy the phone on the spot. But even as his huge, hammerlike fist smashed into the phone with a force unimaginable, Rogelio realized it still wasn’t enough to do justice to this perpetrator of electronic treachery.

Rogelio borrowed RJ’s gun to blast what was left of the phone to bits. Not being a great shot, however, Rogelio instead ricocheted at least nine slugs off the back of RJ’s notoriously hard head. Now RJ was upset too, holding his rifle…but without any more ammo. So Rogelio whipped out a giant softball bat to demolish both RJ and the cell phone. Having accomplished the mission, Rogelio again was at peace, as the daylilies blossomed and the birds sang in a world renewed with harmony and joy.

That would make a unique story to tell, but of course it ain’t the truth. I wouldn’t want to hurt my friend RJ. Why would I, when he’s so good at hurting himself? [The marks were from a razor blade that he didn’t know was bent until after he had shaved his head a little too “close.”]

As for the stupid cell phone…

Seemingly, it has become accepted that electronics should have a short life span, should become outmoded by design after the luster wears off, and should be prone to easy breakdown. I say: BS.

For years and years, the American consumer has had to bend over and take it in the “keester” from manufacturers of subpar electronics equipment, both at home and abroad. Yes, abroad! “Made in Japan” anymore means “We’ll sell you a line of talk and reputation of excellence, build something that looks and sounds snazzy, but in reality is a fragile, failure prone, quickly and predictably obsolete piece of crap.”

Enter the Nokia 6340i cellular telephone of the “GAIT” variety. It was touted as the best thing out there for widely distributed cellular telephone compatibility when I got the device in early 2005, receptive to both digital and analog service. “This rocks,” I thought, “I’ll be able to get digital signals in the cities and interstate highways, and latch onto old analog signals from remote providers in the Great Plains.” You know them — those podunk little local outfits with names similar to Stella Mae’s Cell Company and Doofusville Voice Service that gouge the hell out of you on minutes unless you have a nationwide, flat-rate, cross-carrier plan (like me).

Cingular (and most other companies) dropped such analog support for newer phones right after I got this one, and switched to totally different technology. As someone who travels a lot, for storm observing, business and pleasure, I was quite pleased to be able to snatch hundreds upon hundreds of minutes of roaming, analog voice signals from the podunk phone carriers, who slammed Cingular with their outrageous roaming and long distance charges while I paid that nice, flat rate. I felt not the least sorry for Cingular, either. If they didn’t want to be gouged by Stella Mae or Doofusville, they shouldn’t have offered the Nation plan on that phone to begin with. Reap what you sow.

Then came the fly in the ointment. This POS phone stopped accepting electric charge! For awhile it was hard to charge, but some wiggling and cussing usually got it going. Then it wouldn’t work off my plug-in charger at all, and a couple months later, not off my car charger either. A voltmeter revealed the battery was fine, but no charge was getting to it. The phone was less than a year and a half old! What a shoddily made piece of crap. So much for the myth of Japanese excellence in manufacturing (which will be further debunked in the next installment of this BLOG series).

This phone had to be dealt with the Oklahoma way. After all, we already had blown away a PC and a laptop. Problem was, the phone was too small to shoot without either missing (RJ is an excellent shot, but this was asking too much) or blowing it apart instantly. Luckily for me, I have a 15 year old, 36 ounce Ball Buster bat by Worth — a model that isn’t even manufactured anymore. I used to hit home runs with it, but since the ASA logo wore off and it’s no longer allowed on the field, I carry it in the car for miscellaneous purposes.

Man, was it ever sweet to lay this sucker to waste (here’s a close up version of the impact). From here on, that little piece of junk exists only in a duly administered state of destruction.

It turns out I still may be able to stick Cingular with the podunk companies’ roaming fees until next storm season, when I plan to get a new phone anyway. I ordered a used, unlocked 6340i the way I like it (cheap) off E-Bay, and await delivery. As long as the phone works, just pop in the SIM card and battery from the old one and I’m ready to roll.

Next: Smashing a Nikon Coolpix 880 Digital Camera


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