If I Were Liberal, I’d Vote For…

If you are a liberal and thinking of voting for Hillary Clinton in your primary…for MotherEarthGaiaNatureGoddess’ sake, why? Are you out of your socialist/humanist/Utopian mind? Quaff that kombucha or sip that frappucino, dear grasshopper, and read on about the real deal: Bernie Sanders.

Forget Martin O’Malley; he’s going nowhere meaningful except as a possible VP candidate for the ultimate winner of the Hillary-Bernie contest. And yes, that’s the real contest, and contrast. Old Uncle Joe, the lovable/sexist bumbling buffoon and gaffe master that he is, already decided that the Democrat Party’s liquor cabinets are too blocked off for easy access, and wisely abstained from attempted pantry entry.

Why look further? Your best candidate ever is right there! That candidate is Bernie Sanders–consistent, idealistically pure as can be, a ’60s radical who never sold out to Washington pollsters or corporate money, who takes no donations from Fortune-500 high-rollers, who supports abortion and “gay rights” and always has, who took the same positions Hillary claims today but back when they were politically unpopular, who voted against the Iraq War when Hillary voted for it, who opposed DOMA when the Clintons (and they are a team, remember?) signed it into law. In other words, Bernie’s real.

There you have Hillary+Bill, who haul in mountains of corporate cash (and corporations are all evil, all the time…remember?), who again supported that hideous DOMA and Iraq War, whilst Bernie voted against them…she who only lately has come around to your views on several issues out of political expedience and pollster-popularity pandering. Hillary’s authenticity, ethics, honesty, temper, and decision-making are all highly questionable–and that’s the opinion of almost as many Sanders supporters as Republicans. “What difference does it make!?!?!?!?!?!?” I’ll tell you…

Bernie! He says what he means, means what he says. Hillary says what she thinks you want to hear; Bernie says what you want to hear, but truly means it himself! He doesn’t pretend to be anything he’s not, and has been remarkably consistent with most positions for decades. The one substantial shift (varying degrees of gun control) is something about which Hillary has wandered the spectrum also; so that’s a wash.

Okay, Sanders is an old white guy. Can you ever, possibly overcome your offense at that, and forgive him for such a genetic curse? Can you look past your negative racial and gender stereotyping of that demographic, Ms./Mr./M-whatever Leftwinger? Set aside his age and gender and your own argumentum ad novitatum bias, and view his ideals in the name of open-mindedness. Can you?

You damn well should, because his ideals are your ideals, to the core, and were back when Hillary was a pandering “moderate” still trying to wash the figurative (and maybe literal) semen stain from the bluesy-dressed reputation of her philandering spouse. Wait, she still is a pandering “moderate”! Be honest, she is, and you know it. Vote for her and you also get…Bill back in the White House (whoa…radical, duuuuuude). Meanwhile Bernie offers you a veritable cornucopia of marvelous free stuff like higher education and medical care and ganja brownies for your lumbago, damn the national debt (it’s just an irrelevant abstraction anyway, right?). He wants to tax those ghoulish, horrible, inhuman and inhumane 1%ers so hard they can be heard screaming in agony from repossessed yachts and mansions the world over.

But Sanders is “unelectable”, you say? Hogwash, or (for you holier-than-thou vegans, or two-faced Islamo-apologist “feminists”, or pencil-armed coffee-house metrosexuals who barely can bench-press a gender-studies textbook), lentil-wash! Sanders is as electable as the votes he receives, so why not vote for him and do your part to make him electable? I’m serious, Sanders really is your best candidate.

Now it’s no secret that I am a fiscal and social conservative, strong and true: unflinchingly, sternly and unapologetically so, in your face and in the face of all societal fads and whims, so much that I would advocate my positions were I the last person to do so with a hundred of Obama’s war drones aiming guns at me. If your senses of humor and tolerance are gone and something I write offends you…great! Suck it up and deal with it. I’m principled, idealist, iconoclastic–and I wear those labels (along with any of the usual array of “tolerant” insults hurled by the left at ill-educated backward rednecks like me) as a badge of honor.

Speaking of Obama’s war drones, guess who else besides me and Rand Paul opposed them (and Bush’s far fewer war drones before that)? Guess who besides me and Rand Paul opposed NSA spying and snooping that Hillary and Obama have supported? Guess who besides me and Rand Paul opposed the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade deal before Hillary? Yep, you got it, Ms.-ter: Bernie! He was anti-war, pro-privacy, back when your parents were pissing in their own diapers. Sanders stands staunchly in opposition to the military/industrial/fossil-fuel/financial-sector complex that has heavily bankrolled the Clintons since today’s millennials were pissing in their diapers. The environment? Bernie is so green that he could be mistaken for a shrunken, elderly mutation of the Incredible Hulk. Check his voting record.

See, I actually was a liberal once, for a short while, as a young physical adult, conformably nonconformist and properly offended at everything representing “the Man”. Then I finally grew up. I read deeply and critically and discovered what a moral, ethical and economic dead end leftism is, and quickly matured past that shameful and shallow phase of pseudo-thought. No regrets, however: as a result, I know how a liberal thinks and easily can play the part, pretending to be one in any game of devil’s advocate (a very appropriate term for such a role, of course). [Whoa, I think I can hear more offended gasping…cha-ching! If I had a nickel for every time…]

Moreover, I still am a hard-core idealist. I know one when I see one–even when I can’t stand what he stands for. Bernie Sanders is that–or at least, the closest you’ll find in any national politician–and has been for far, far, far longer than flip-flopping, corporate-teat-sucking, dishonest, poll-pandering Hillary. He is the liberal light personified, your best representation, and it’s not even a contest. Bernie, far more than the Clintons, is aligned with your views, with a proven willingness to express them when not expedient. He is the real deal, honest and authentic in representing The Cause, in stark contrast to She Who Fakes Southern Accents When in Arkansas.

Again I ask: If you are a liberal and thinking of voting for Hillary Clinton in your primary…for MotherEarthGaiaNatureGoddess’ sake, why?

If I were a liberal, I would vote for Sanders. No hesitation, no doubt, no question. He embodies the left-wing ideal the very best, by far. If I were a liberal…

Thank God (not MotherEarthGaiaNatureGoddess) that I am not.


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