Gourmet Dining for Dogs

I’ll preface this by iterating that:

  1. Though I’m just a cat owner now, I’ve probably had more dogs than cats cumulatively; and
  2. This isn’t a competitive or comparative piece.

Each species has its fine and redeeming qualities as a pet and companion. Unfortunately, for dogs, culinary discretion isn’t one of them. In fact I shall illustrate the grotesquely indiscriminate eaters dogs can be. Stop right here if you just ate, or have a digestive system prone to easy reversal.

Recently a friend and his dog, who each shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, proved that canine loyalty can go too far. My friend, celebrating his halfway-to-70 birthday, washed down an expensive dinner with a remarkable sum of beverages: several vodkas on the rocks, several beers, and five or six shots of Southern Comfort for dessert.

Fortunate not to be in the hospital or altogether dead, he staggered home two miles from the pub, faintly recalling falling asleep and waking up again in a dew-blanketed field. Of course, when finally did reach home, he barfed that costly meal and much of what followed, all over the hard floor of his entryway, before passing out on the couch. The next morning, the puddle of puke was gone, his big dog’s breath reeking of it. The dog seemed quite pleased with himself, as if his master had just unloaded the mother lode of Gravy Train. I wonder if there was enough alcohol left to make the pooch drunk too…

One of my coworkers claims that dogs are the stupidest animals that are supposed to be smart. This conclusion came from one he owned which regularly feasted on the contents of his cat’s litter box (the canine version of Snickers bars, presumably). At least the clay probably provided some minerals to the mutt’s diet.

Still, it would be hard to top the exploits of an over-exuberant bull terrier / German shepherd mix I had for a few years as a teenager. This dog was strong as a horse and ate like one too. He didn’t seem to care what he gulped down either! One time, during weekly midnight walks I would take with my dad and dogs to a nearby park, he busted the leash and bolted off into the city night.

About twenty minutes later, we saw him at the other end of the park next to an overturned trash can that, itself, had been chained to a post. [Did I mention that this was a strong dog? I used to hitch him up, mule style, and have the little brute pull huge carts for several city blocks that were full of salvageable TVs and furniture. He liked it!] From a distance he seemed to be exuberantly shoving some white object along the ground with his snout.

Up close it turned out to be a used diaper, from which he was gleefully slurping the contents, pushing the pooped-in Pampers a good twenty feet through the grass before we rather forcefully interrupted this fine gourmet feast. Never have I seen a dog so enraptured in bliss as this one, bug-eyed, furiously wagging his tail and downing diaper doo-doo like it was the ultimate Kal Kan from heaven.

Man’s Best Friend, indeed!


4 Responses to “Gourmet Dining for Dogs”

  1. Joel Genung on November 28th, 2005 2:42 pm

    What a timely post! This comes less than 12 hours after my own dog finished off a rocks glass full of Bailey’s Irish Creme, which she guzzled down after I had placed the glass on the coffee table and had turned my back. This was a real binge for an 8-pound Bishon. While it doesn’t equal licking a gallon of puke off the floor, it was a classic. About an hour after her drunken foray, she lay passed out on the living room carpet and, as I write this, is still sleeping off her first taste of Fire Water. I’m curious if a Fido hangover endures in canine time?

  2. Boomer on November 29th, 2005 5:40 pm

    I stayed with a friend that had a HUGE golden lab…vet weighed him at 150 lbs and he wasn’t fat, just BIG. It’s a good thing he was cute as he had an inverse relationship between intellect and looks….i.e. he was dumb as sand, but cute as a button
    Think that dogs eating puke and baby poo is bad? At least that’s still organic! This gastronomical beast would eat ANYTHING! He has eaten batteries (AA’s), razor blades, fireplace glass cleaner and anything else his snout could reach. He is still alive and kicking to boot! When I asked my buddy why he let this continue, he replied that he hoped the dog would figure it out…as what goes in, must come out and he decided that if the dog had to crap batteries and razor blades, he would learn. Guess what? Just this weekend I was over, and witnessed the animal eat a can of Pledge! How bad has it gotten? When my friend called the vet, he asked what the dog had eaten this time! Well, the dog got to wash down the Pledge with a bottle of peroxide…neutralizes the chemicals and induces vomiting. For some reason, my 8 year old boy was fascinated with making the dog puke. We gave the dog the peroxide and then went inside as my boy insisted on conducting “puke watch” and he volunteered to take first stint. Within 5 minutes, the claxion wail sounded through the house…”he’s puking! he’s puking! Come see”
    …ahhh, maybe I’ll catch that on a re-run 🙂

  3. Sigrid Ueblacker on December 8th, 2005 12:11 am

    Roger — you are too much!!
    Another dog lover…Sigrid

  4. Gilbert S. on December 31st, 2005 12:13 am

    I am trying to figure out how something so well written could make me want to puke like the animals on this page! 🙂

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